I'm my own monkey

Yay. I'm positive again.


Elated, can't you tell?

It's no accident. I noticed I was starting a day off on a good foot, and jumped on. I know why I am not known for being positive.

It takes effort. I also realized what a dick I was being to my son. All the time wondering why we always got into arguments, knowing he is autistic and  his triggers. I always had this ideal set for him. An ideal I knew was not fair. Maybe I was subconsciously trying to normalize him...I say subconsciously, because I abhor the same practice in others. I have finally let myself see him as the awesome kid he is.

Another thing that happened is that I have been steering clear of my own triggers for anxiety and depression. This takes effort, which I knew because I never wanted to take it. I believe I grew accustomed to setting the bar low. When expectations are low, I succeed more. More importantly, I am less likely to fail. But this had  the opposite affect on me. Years of skating by on misconceptions and assumptions, I viewed every mistake as a failure. A big part of it also is inventing or leaning too much upon 'afflictions'. I'm not saying the depression and anxiety are fake. I have had quite real anxiety attacks and had to dig myself out of deep dark holes to say that. But I would find myself writing off problems to my depression and anxiety. Using them as an excuse allowed me, not to keep the bar low, but to make sure I stayed under the bar. A more simplistic way of viewing overall issues, I let pity take over my life.

I realize that life is a series of ups and downs. More downs than ups, and along with my low bar lifestyle, I have grown cynical. I am sure this has also contributed to my depression, constantly analyzing things and pointing out the flaws in everything cherished by society. However, that last one, constantly analyzing things and setting things to the light, are things I have found I quite enjoy.

That's the hurdle I'm concerned about conquering. Going back to the easy and convenient tools of existence. A good analogy is an addict relapsing. Drugs and alcohol are probably the most accessible crutches out there. People have been avoiding problems and falling back on alcohol for who knows how long. The crutch makes life easier to the person using it, while avoiding the issue.  I used to smoke and drink, but how do I keep the monkey off my back when the monkey is me?