Writing without my floaties

Vulture Droppings (brainnuggets)

I started my new schedule today. Which means that I started a schedule. Just like any addict, I have to remove myself from situations that encourage relapse. In this case, I am seriously addicted to procrastination. I just hope I put as much systematic effort into my schedule as I have into my procrastination. Writers are usually inspired to write by something or someone. Either it is an ideology, a work ethic, not to die (the premise of one of my stories)…or it is a fictional manifestation of that ideology or work ethic. It is whatever motivates them. I believe Stephen King’s is, according to his book On Writing, a fat guy in a tutu smoking big fat cigars.

Today, I didn't Google 'scheduling' or search for an app that helped me do it. I sat down, like I normally do, to a blank page. I woke up Mr. Logic and asked it, 'what do I want to do?' The reply was, 'I don't know...stuff.' I realized that my teenaged self fell asleep in the library again. So, I shuffled him off to bed and asked my question again. 'You want to write. More specifically, you want to order your day so you can write and not be distracted by all the other stuff you need to get done.'  

I made a list of general things I need to do: fiction, content, email (check, delete), learning, and social media. I decided to not slot times for them. No one's the boss of me, except for my wife. I hate having a schedule. It's too constricting...it's a tool of the man, man.

So, to stick it to the man, I decided that each day I am going to take the general things I need to do during the day and prioritize. Today, it is content; learning; fiction; social media; email. At the end of each day, I am going to look at all the things I did/didn't do and all the notes that I jotted down while getting the prioritized things done, and prioritize for the next day. Always stop and write down new ideas. Even if you are in the middle of writing something else. Have a pen and paper if you want to keep current and unformed ideas separate. I have a new document open so I just click, type and come back to my current work. This might or might not work for me.I have a sporadic mind, but I also tend to be ‘meh’ about things that I have otherwise deemed to be important. I have realized that I am not ‘meh’ about the work itself, just the idea of having to work to get what I want. I am still very much the ‘little rich boy’ growing up in a white suburban neighborhood. I have come really far away from that. I tend to gravitate to small, rural towns where the idea of a book might be to go really fast down a hill, or people wonder what the benefit of a library really is and can they not spend the money on (at the very least) maintaining a legal association to a library (touchy issue; I won’t get myself started).

To make things work, I also have in my notes things that work and don't work. If something I know is distracting keeps distracting me, I write it down. I don't worry about solutions. They are just notes for later. 

I'm my own monkey

Yay. I'm positive again.


Elated, can't you tell?

It's no accident. I noticed I was starting a day off on a good foot, and jumped on. I know why I am not known for being positive.

It takes effort. I also realized what a dick I was being to my son. All the time wondering why we always got into arguments, knowing he is autistic and  his triggers. I always had this ideal set for him. An ideal I knew was not fair. Maybe I was subconsciously trying to normalize him...I say subconsciously, because I abhor the same practice in others. I have finally let myself see him as the awesome kid he is.

Another thing that happened is that I have been steering clear of my own triggers for anxiety and depression. This takes effort, which I knew because I never wanted to take it. I believe I grew accustomed to setting the bar low. When expectations are low, I succeed more. More importantly, I am less likely to fail. But this had  the opposite affect on me. Years of skating by on misconceptions and assumptions, I viewed every mistake as a failure. A big part of it also is inventing or leaning too much upon 'afflictions'. I'm not saying the depression and anxiety are fake. I have had quite real anxiety attacks and had to dig myself out of deep dark holes to say that. But I would find myself writing off problems to my depression and anxiety. Using them as an excuse allowed me, not to keep the bar low, but to make sure I stayed under the bar. A more simplistic way of viewing overall issues, I let pity take over my life.

I realize that life is a series of ups and downs. More downs than ups, and along with my low bar lifestyle, I have grown cynical. I am sure this has also contributed to my depression, constantly analyzing things and pointing out the flaws in everything cherished by society. However, that last one, constantly analyzing things and setting things to the light, are things I have found I quite enjoy.

That's the hurdle I'm concerned about conquering. Going back to the easy and convenient tools of existence. A good analogy is an addict relapsing. Drugs and alcohol are probably the most accessible crutches out there. People have been avoiding problems and falling back on alcohol for who knows how long. The crutch makes life easier to the person using it, while avoiding the issue.  I used to smoke and drink, but how do I keep the monkey off my back when the monkey is me?

Nauseated Logic (Brain Droppings)

We all struggle with our own problems. Some are lucky and their problems are tangible. They can easily execute a solution. Others aren't lucky. Their problems are their own minds. For one reason or another they have been told that they are no good, other by those who are supposed to care for them or themselves.

One of my problems is that I second guess myself. If I don't want to talk to someone I need to talk to, I won't  because I'm most likely wrong. Tell someone why I don't want to do something, I either end up giving in and going or I don't and I spend at least the next hour convincing myself I made the right decision. So when I think I have things figured out, nailed down, ironed out and it changes,

I realize I don't need other people's approval to have an opinion. I know I don't need to be afraid of the majority of confrontations I could possibly encounter standing up for myself. But there's something else about me: I love being the victim. I want something I can point to and say, "See, that's why I failed." Not doing something, not trying, not talking to someone is the easiest way to say that to myself. If I choose not to do something, then I can say to myself it was because 'I chose' not to. 

And I know that sounds like bullshit. Certainly smells like it, I know that. But the next line in that logic is that I say, 'See, I can't be trusted.' I sometimes say, jokingly, 'set the bar low so they are surprised when you do something really well.' I don't want to be expected to do something because I don't want to be blamed when it all goes to shit. 

The problem with this, aside from the headache these mental acrobatics pound through my head, it has set a limit on my creativity. I have convinced myself that I suck as a writer and no one wants to hear what I say. Subsequently, I don't give myself the amount of practice I need to grow as a writer. 

Scared

Scared: of the dark;
to sleep;
To dream;
To breathe

I close in
Upon myself
To escape

But everything
I run from
Waits for me

in the dark