Nauseated Logic (Brain Droppings)

We all struggle with our own problems. Some are lucky and their problems are tangible. They can easily execute a solution. Others aren't lucky. Their problems are their own minds. For one reason or another they have been told that they are no good, other by those who are supposed to care for them or themselves.

One of my problems is that I second guess myself. If I don't want to talk to someone I need to talk to, I won't  because I'm most likely wrong. Tell someone why I don't want to do something, I either end up giving in and going or I don't and I spend at least the next hour convincing myself I made the right decision. So when I think I have things figured out, nailed down, ironed out and it changes,

I realize I don't need other people's approval to have an opinion. I know I don't need to be afraid of the majority of confrontations I could possibly encounter standing up for myself. But there's something else about me: I love being the victim. I want something I can point to and say, "See, that's why I failed." Not doing something, not trying, not talking to someone is the easiest way to say that to myself. If I choose not to do something, then I can say to myself it was because 'I chose' not to. 

And I know that sounds like bullshit. Certainly smells like it, I know that. But the next line in that logic is that I say, 'See, I can't be trusted.' I sometimes say, jokingly, 'set the bar low so they are surprised when you do something really well.' I don't want to be expected to do something because I don't want to be blamed when it all goes to shit. 

The problem with this, aside from the headache these mental acrobatics pound through my head, it has set a limit on my creativity. I have convinced myself that I suck as a writer and no one wants to hear what I say. Subsequently, I don't give myself the amount of practice I need to grow as a writer.