Today I was thinking about whether my conflicting desire to be by myself, but feeling regretful and lonely maybe has not been an involuntary thing.
Maybe I do want to be around people. Maybe I am not petrified to be in crowds.Me not wanting to be around people has not been a reason for not wanting to go out, but the result, so to speak.
Maybe the conflict I am feeling is between the loneliness and not wanting to be around people, but it's flipped around. Maybe the feeling of loneliness is not freakishly coupled with not wanting to be around people, but me reverse engineering a reason why I don't want to go out.
But then is my fabricating a reason for not wanting to be in the world so lifelike, such an elaborate creation that when I am around people, I get nervous and/or say things that I shouldn't say, or do not make any sense?
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