[Fear &] Self-Loathing in Riverside: Straight Jacket of Happiness

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I am a bitter person. There. I said it. I can try and suppress the fact that my criteria for being good, being moral, my friend...whatever...will not only be more strict than yours, it annihilates the perception of what I myself have thought to be a 'happy' person. So, I push people away.

To put it simply, I cannot let myself be happy. The only way that it could, and has, happened was a [medicinal] mistake or oversight of a medical professional that pushed my heart rate through the ceiling. I was caught in a straight jacket of chemicals that washed me in numbness. Imagine, running and running and running until your heart is about ready to explode, but you don't care. More specifically, you don't care that you don't care.

You see, it's not quite as simple as 'I hate myself so I want to make others miserable', or that I doubt myself, so I question everyone else.' It is not naked hatred, but  the end of a well thought out line of thought based on whatever standards (i.e., opinions, rules, stipulations...)--actual or perceived.