Cause/Effect

Forgot to pay a bill
Homeless in ten years

Kids don't clean their rooms
Worthless hoarders dying in their filth

Muscle pain in the morning
Cancer by dinner

Get out of bed
Earth consumed by catastrophic
cataclysmic, doomsday
explosive fireball of an apocalypse

Full service Plague

Plague in  my head
Lays waste to cells
Dulls emotions.
Buries me when it’s done

Big Ball of Dad

There are times when I don't have my shit together. I mean, much of my day, I couldn't hold myself together with super glue, duct tape, or staples  combined. I'm not talking about those times. The times I am talking about are the times when I am playing normal, everyday citizen and I am not ready. 

For instance, the other day, I wanted to get out. I didn't care where, I just wanted out of the house. My wife was leaving and I put stuff on and followed her out the door. Better way to say it is my body did its best impression  of a.blind, three-legged bull in an overstocked china shop.

I had the basics down, barely. One foot Frankenstein's-monster clumped into the table, bounced off the wall, the door jamb and out the door. I'm not sure I even closed the door. It's coincidental that I likened myself to a lumbering monster, because that's what I felt like.

I was confused to be outdoors. I didn't understand what the fast and loud things on the road were, and I was angered at and tried to wave  away the bright ball in the sky. When I got I to the van, I grunted that I was ready to go.

By and far, I prefer when I am level headed and/or coherent enough to behave myself and not push anyone's buttons, including my own. Instead of getting mad or frustrated, I am calm with an open ear.These are the times I consider myself 'Dad'. Most other times, I am a self-doubting, paranoid, sarcastic ball of shit. That's how I see myself anyway. I have yet to live with my anxiety. I still let it rule many of my days, but I have also learned to make the most of the days when I am just Dad.

Motivational (at least for me, anyway)

I wish I could capture my sense of humor. The problem is, I have a problem remembering rants and quirky connections later, mainly because they are never logical.

"Why not channel it? Free up you mind and go there?"

I'll tell you why: I squander. Most of the time it is not a conscious choice. I squander my time. I don't set limits on myself because when I set limits on myself, I never recognize the limits. "You're not the boss of me!" I yell at myself and I end up on the computer or my phone until I end up late for something or too tired to get up and go to bed.

When I want to read, I don't . When I want to write, I don't. Like I said, that's not all the time, but it happens enough that I wonder why, if I want to do something, why can't I follow Mr. Labouff's advice and

Sorry, but...he's so enthusiastic! It makes me want to strive to not be like him. Creatively, I have to say, I do envy him.  He puts the crazy out there.

Anyway, I guess you call it self-defeatism, engineering pity...I think I wrote about it before. I do something to sabotage myself so when I fail, I can have the caveat of trying. If I succeed by accident, whoops....yay!

Good ole' Catholic Guilt

"He knows when you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sakes." It's never been easy to make sure kids are doing the right thing. What better way to enlist an omniscient being who watches over everyone to make sure they are good? I guess the same can be said for people in general. We have laws that are supposed to keep people safe and deter others from committing crimes. Then there's religion.

God is looking out for us, so we better honor him and love him. He did forgive you for your original sin...that he gave you, so you better do right by him.

Pic:Unit 70 Studios

I was not so much raised Catholic as I was raised in a home of people who were Catholic. We went to church on Sunday, knelt, stood and crossed ourselves. It was something to do on Sundays. But, I was never struck with awe by the wonder of god. I did learn things, though. I learned guilt and accountability. More specifically, religion introduced me to the concept of guilt, which I would later realize is a feeling everyone has to a certain extent, but is used by some to manipulate people into doing what they want.

Guilt is a tool I believe religion uses to keep believers humble. Followers were born into original sin, feel the guilt and give themselves to god.  Guilt is a negative feeling that is caused when you do something that is perceived to be bad. It all depends on what you define as 'bad.' If I know something is wrong, I will not do it, not out of fear of getting caught or angering god, but out of respect for myself and others.

I hold myself accountable. Any negative thing I put out into the world, it's mine. I own the consequences. I have no one to fall back on but myself.

Carcass

 

Can't think
Swollen head
No room for thought

Emotion to expression
Broken

Words chop
Splatter
Then trickle

Run down and
Dry on my
Chin like

So much
Blood from my
Brain, the
Dying, useless

carcass

Nix

god
demon
risen from hell

Banished, too
evil
sadistic

Fatuous in
Hell
lowly demon

children starve
sick
die

innocents
sodomy,
raped

butcher-kill
corpses

hellbound nothing
earthly cockatrice

blight of humans
or

Fairy tale....

much better story as 
nix-fiction