Atheist AF: You Have Been Chosen

When I decided to learn about the bible, I did not know that the most difficult part would be actually finding one. In my search for a class, I have included links to churches offering study in case you want to check it out yourself.

The first one I tried was the International Bible Teaching Ministries, which is run by by the  International College of the Bible.  I had to read and then take a quiz. I bypassed the answers and commented. I said, 'I'm not going to BS you.' I'm not here to debate, I just want to learn the bible from someone else's perspective.

I have to wait to be matched with a teacher.


Bible Study Fellowship offers actual classes where you can question, discuss, listen and learn. You explore daily questions in the scripture. Then you discuss the passage with the class. Then you listen to the lecture. I sincerely want to go, and will if my schedule allows.


Master's: An International Online University offers not only university level classes, but also masters degrees. Being an independent course, which is another way of saying you on your honor, you need to apply for a certificate. By ordering the diploma, you "are affirming that you actually completed the course for which you are requesting the Official Certificate of Recognition, and that you understand that the fee is non-refundable." So, there's that. 


I found that at least a couple of these suggest that you pray to start out each lesson, or ask what church you go to, what your affiliation is, etc. A friend cautioned me that there are a lot of Christians who aren't very 'Christian.' Should make in-person meetings interesting. That will also play a big part in my decision in exploring other religions.

Joining an online bible study

Atheist AF: So, I am now in the habit of collecting religious publications. You know, those little publications that demonstrate what happens to the righteous and the wicked? I also have three bibles now (and like a naughty, baby-eating atheist, I even stole one...from a little free library, but, you know...)

At first, I was not sure why I wanted to collect what people normally throw away.
Now...I know.
I think I've found my calling.

via GIPHY

Just kidding. But I have been trying to find a reason to write. I'm going to join a bible study.

My intention is not to ridicule, not to argue. My intention is to follow a natural progression of thought. To learn.

That being said, I do have a sense of humor. Should be interesting.

Happy, sunshiny nothing (Vulture Droppings)

I'm trying to sift through the word salad that is my brain early in the morning. I tried to read, but a group of words kept floating upon to the top trying to get out of my think pot, trying to be noticed. I am beginning to feel that none of my thoughts are worth anything. No longer am I sitting in a void, surrounding myself in nothingness like a blanket. Feeling secure in sorrow is not enough anymore. I am letting myself fee that I contribute, but what I contribute is worth far more than any theory of relativity or cure for cancer. My contribution is that I actively contribute, with full intention, nothing.

I no longer take everything in and lie amongst the waste, the detritus of broken promises and dreams, but I repackage it and sell it at no cost to anyone around me. The worst part is, they have no idea they are buying it. I could be sharing it with everyone else...I could be bilking them of all their money.

Life imitates art, or art imitates life. Everything is reprocessed, repackages and resold anyway. Everyone is mindlessly running toward the end. We argue and prattle on, fighting for and debating and making sure we 'win' to notice that the we are the fodder for the world's churning toward the end.

I'm my own monkey

Yay. I'm positive again.


Elated, can't you tell?

It's no accident. I noticed I was starting a day off on a good foot, and jumped on. I know why I am not known for being positive.

It takes effort. I also realized what a dick I was being to my son. All the time wondering why we always got into arguments, knowing he is autistic and  his triggers. I always had this ideal set for him. An ideal I knew was not fair. Maybe I was subconsciously trying to normalize him...I say subconsciously, because I abhor the same practice in others. I have finally let myself see him as the awesome kid he is.

Another thing that happened is that I have been steering clear of my own triggers for anxiety and depression. This takes effort, which I knew because I never wanted to take it. I believe I grew accustomed to setting the bar low. When expectations are low, I succeed more. More importantly, I am less likely to fail. But this had  the opposite affect on me. Years of skating by on misconceptions and assumptions, I viewed every mistake as a failure. A big part of it also is inventing or leaning too much upon 'afflictions'. I'm not saying the depression and anxiety are fake. I have had quite real anxiety attacks and had to dig myself out of deep dark holes to say that. But I would find myself writing off problems to my depression and anxiety. Using them as an excuse allowed me, not to keep the bar low, but to make sure I stayed under the bar. A more simplistic way of viewing overall issues, I let pity take over my life.

I realize that life is a series of ups and downs. More downs than ups, and along with my low bar lifestyle, I have grown cynical. I am sure this has also contributed to my depression, constantly analyzing things and pointing out the flaws in everything cherished by society. However, that last one, constantly analyzing things and setting things to the light, are things I have found I quite enjoy.

That's the hurdle I'm concerned about conquering. Going back to the easy and convenient tools of existence. A good analogy is an addict relapsing. Drugs and alcohol are probably the most accessible crutches out there. People have been avoiding problems and falling back on alcohol for who knows how long. The crutch makes life easier to the person using it, while avoiding the issue.  I used to smoke and drink, but how do I keep the monkey off my back when the monkey is me?

Doubt and Faith: Watch your attitude, mister!

I recently found myself in a conversation with a flat earther a last week. Right off the bat, I felt as though he was angered, maybe threatened. But here's the thing: if you don't want to argue or if you want to be among people with whom you agree, then go to church.

In the attachment, you will see that he initiated contact via private message through my Facebook page, Atheist AF (There's also Atheist AF Group for private discussions). The FB page is a place for nonbelievers to read things about atheism, agnosticism, the fallacies of religion and funny stuff. I have shared it and posts from it on my personal FB page, but I don't push it, and will attempt to continue to not promote it. I want as an authentic audience of this site as possible, whereas anyone who can find the site can look around and engage. So, this is exactly the kind of conversation I wanted.

I was overjoyed that someone had messaged me through the site. As I previously mentioned, the
gentleman was pissy. It made me smile. I mean, I would rather people not call me names and condemn me to hell (I am honored that he took the time to say it nice and pretty), but it kind of proves my point as of late.

The few times I come out of my shell and engage people on the issues that are important to me, there is a short exchange before they say, 'Let's agree to disagree.'   People have different attitudes toward discussing things in which they believe, or faced with contrary opinions. Some leave it alone, but others become incensed. 'How dare someone I don't know have a different opinion than mine, not to mention the fact that I have no obligation to respond to them.'

So, those of you who follow the page Atheist AF (go like it if you haven already) may have already seen these.

Enjoy.

Scarlet Gown

Blood coursed from her veins, seduced by the warm bathwater.

Diffusing through her liquid tomb, it billowed around her legs and hugged her body. It flowed out of her as had his love for her from the cavity left by his decayed heart.

Red from white, her skin released her gown for their dark wedding. As he drank the poisoned present she left for him, she floated in her spent life. 

They both slowly faded. 

A red bride and empty groom, scarlet and hollow they would be.  

Forever. 






Photo Credit: Subbotina Anna (Adobe Stock)

Nauseated Logic (Brain Droppings)

We all struggle with our own problems. Some are lucky and their problems are tangible. They can easily execute a solution. Others aren't lucky. Their problems are their own minds. For one reason or another they have been told that they are no good, other by those who are supposed to care for them or themselves.

One of my problems is that I second guess myself. If I don't want to talk to someone I need to talk to, I won't  because I'm most likely wrong. Tell someone why I don't want to do something, I either end up giving in and going or I don't and I spend at least the next hour convincing myself I made the right decision. So when I think I have things figured out, nailed down, ironed out and it changes,

I realize I don't need other people's approval to have an opinion. I know I don't need to be afraid of the majority of confrontations I could possibly encounter standing up for myself. But there's something else about me: I love being the victim. I want something I can point to and say, "See, that's why I failed." Not doing something, not trying, not talking to someone is the easiest way to say that to myself. If I choose not to do something, then I can say to myself it was because 'I chose' not to. 

And I know that sounds like bullshit. Certainly smells like it, I know that. But the next line in that logic is that I say, 'See, I can't be trusted.' I sometimes say, jokingly, 'set the bar low so they are surprised when you do something really well.' I don't want to be expected to do something because I don't want to be blamed when it all goes to shit. 

The problem with this, aside from the headache these mental acrobatics pound through my head, it has set a limit on my creativity. I have convinced myself that I suck as a writer and no one wants to hear what I say. Subsequently, I don't give myself the amount of practice I need to grow as a writer.